In just a day I’m already nervous

And it’s ugly and whether I’m bouncing between “she’s hiding something from me—no she’s not,” and “there are days when I’m busy, too,” is sometimes so arbitrary. I’ve gotten better after 04/18. I’m scared my memory isn’t so great. With my mercury lamp it was always perfect. I’ll be crushed if she says “I thought I told you.” Today she came back from work, and it was so late I mistook it for her having woken up in her morning. I wanted to hug her, and even though she said she needed to shower first I didn’t mind. These days I’m so selfish I act as if I want her to ignore everything but me.

I wonder if we’re doing that thing again. I don’t want to bother her, I’m waiting for her, she’s waiting for me, we’re both just sitting, doing our thing, looking at our phones, not sure what to say, not sure how to act, not sure where to move. Scared and awkward. Things were easier before. I want to hold you, I don’t care if you smell bad, I want to remember the smell forever.