2023.02.14

Farewell Chapter

"You should go with them."
"So are you coming"
. . .
"Come inside."

This place, again. I adjusted the shoes in the doorway and cleared the kitchen countertop. I brought together the shirts and shorts and socks and underwear from the chairs and door knobs and piles from the living room and arranged them in a stack. It's fortunate... On my desk I removed the water bottle, belt, receipts and cans then pulled up a second chair. "Can I get you something to drink?" ...to have people who don't leave you alone.

I hung her coat in the closet and told her to put whatever she wanted to listen on–she picked a classical duet I can't remember. I made a mug each of coffee and tea, she took the latter, so we sat and I drank coffee. She wore my hoodie.

"...so even though he gets super jealous, Christen was never worried about me spending time with you," she said. We were talking about college.
"I don't remember even talking to him. What does he know about me?"
"Yeah, but I think you sort of give off that kind of aura. That's why he doesn't see you as a threat."
"I just feel like if my partner kept longing to spend alone time with another guy that'd make me pretty uncomfortable, like what does he provide that I can't?"
"Well you are probably one of the few people on this planet that I'm actually comfortable with." "A different kind of comfort than when you're with him?"

We took turns playing Celeste, it was the second time we played. After a while she was more comfortable just watching me push through Farewell. Dying over and over again. Wavedashing across ravines, wall bouncing off Pufferfish and flying through sections with Jellyfish regrabs. I played for at least 30 minutes but only beat one stage–with some minor progress on the next. Farewell is the hardest chapter of the game.

"So you're not going to go with them?" I asked.
"Well. . . if you're not going?"
"I don't think so."
I was wondering if my friends were going to message me why we flaked. She scooched her chair by mine and leaned her head against my arm. It was uncomfortable, but I told myself this was warmth. I browsed Discord, and she was swiping on her phone.

"I was shot yesterday in a dream. I'm not sure why. After I was shot the person came up to me and stabbed me," she said. "When I saw the knife, I was scared it was going to hurt, but I was relieved when it didn't. It was just numb."
"Do you get dreams like that a lot?" I replied.
"I guess not, but I feel like when it comes to firsts, a lot of my firsts come from dreams. So it's not as surprising when it happens again. In that way, it feels pretty real." I put my arm around her shoulder.
She continued, "I guess I was also kind of relieved that he was sort of killing me because I was sick of being so scared after being shot. As dumb as it sounds, it really was one of those 'put you out of your misery' sort of things."
"Do you know why you were being shot?"
"We were all outside, things were actually going fine, I was hanging out with my sister and -- I guess I don't really know, a bullet hit me in the back of the calf, and then after I fell a second one hit my back. One sec, sorry my mom is calling me."

This is what it would be like if she had my dream, instead.

"Everything okay?" I asked April. She was sitting on the bed. She had just hung up after saying bye. She only reached out her arms. I pushed her back and sat down beside her. She curled up by me like a cat.
"I don't want to go back," she said after a while. "I just want to stay here forever."
I tried to think of something escapist and something good, but all I could say was: "I'm here..."

I moved my hand as if to pretend I was stroking her hair. I opened my eyes and stopped fantasizing over the past. April wasn't here, I was alone in the dark, wondering what it was like the last time she came over to recharge. Having people who don't leave you alone, it's fortunate. I thought that it was about time I should initiate a conversation with the people "dear to me, but I guess I just don't feel like it." I debated feeling sorry for myself, but quickly pretended the thought never emerged. I lied down

and woke up and it was dark again. It was 3AM, I had slept 2 hours. It was cold so I curled up and gathered my blankets closely. The next time I woke up it was

--I was in an enormous international subway. Large suits much taller than me scrambled in every direction, people talking in languages I could recognize but not recall. He asked me if I wanted it then I needed to buy it now since we don't get peaches in our country so he gave me the bag and I bought it but this quickly became unimportant because I saw the gunman in the distance, but the alleys were completely blocked so I jumped over the merchant's stall and cut through his backroom and out the backdoor. Around the dark expanse were a set of escalators I ran down that led me to where the trains were stationed, and he was on the train on the other side of the other platform separated from mine by two sets of tracks, so I jumped down to the lower level, climbed back up the next platform and entered the train. Inside were all the injured soldiers from the expedition but I knew the gunman was quickly closing in on the last train car so I began to run down the length of the train. After the first car, the crowds became so dense that I had to push my way through, it became hard to see and it became hard to breathe. I slid my hands between two people and pried through them as I stepped into an empty space that was between shelves inside the interior level of a freight ship. At this point I could no longer open my eyes, so I had to reach my hands out in the darkness to grope for the wall, but what I touched was a person. She held my hand and placed it on their face, and I knew it was April.

And then I knew that I was dreaming.

On cue, my downline seized me and began to pull me back to consciousness. But I knew that I was so close and so I grasped for the tether that escaped between my fingers as the tether reeled, in a rage I wrapped each arm around and over the burning line and with my entire body I pulled the line so hard that the ship above me was pulled over and capsized so that we would all be stranded in the deep dive. Immediately, everything was enveloped by an overwhelming froth that cascaded from the surface. In the flurry of the night sky like bubbles I cast my hands. I reached for April.

There was a time when we were sitting in the sunny Quad between classes. There was a time when we were drying our socks after getting caught in the rain. There was a time when she showed up at my door after I told my friends last minute I wasn't going.

"I'm here," I heaved onto the deck.

"Thanks for letting me stay here," she said into the blankets.

"Thank you for staying with me."